Aug 18, 2005

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Aug 10, 2005

SMURFS burn in hell!!!



During the cold winter of 1946 former leaders of the third reich met in Argentina to discuss plans for regaining their former glory. They know that any plan to succeed other nations would have to lose their will to fight. They decided to create a cartoon character to embody the ideas of niceness and peacefulness and called it a SMURF.

SMURF stood for Secret Military Underground Resistance Force. They planned to infect the children of enemy nations with their peaceful ideas. And so it began. Now in the present their plan is almost complete, and they are starting their propaganda campaign in the bastion of freedom, the United States of America.

You, Smurfbutcher Bob, were captured while trying to destroy the Smurf's precartoon ancestors. You have been taken to their Ontario headquarters, Castle Smurfenstein, for interrogation. You must escape, kill as many of the blue bastards as possible, and steal the plans to operation Smurfkreig. If you fail hordes of smurfs will sweep across the world spewing peace slogans and pumping people full of bullets.

When you were being brought to the castle you were able to talk one of your Candafian guards into giving you his gun (not too hard, eh). You also saw some Smurfy Security guards with bulletproof vests and smurgberry bombs which could be used as grenades to blow the smurfs into infinity.
You can't fail: YOU MUST ESCAPE. YOU MUST WARN THE WORLD. YOU MUST GET HOME IN TIME FOR DINNER.

Listen to this 6-second audio clip: http://www.evl.uic.edu/aej/smurf/Achtung.wav

Aug 5, 2005

I have a confession to make

I hate country music... Always have, always will..
but lately I've repeatedly found myself listening to a country music radio station on Sirius.
Mind you, this isn't popular country, or even old country - it's bad country. Horrible country. Country so bad that it's entertaining..

Yet, it's still country - and I've sworn never to enjoy listening to country.

There inlies the problem..

Take this song for example: http://www.big-boys.com/articles/wifemet.html

That is Rodney Carrington, singing a song with the following lyrics:


Well I Got Home and the door was locked
And I tried to ring the bell
I found a little bitty note that she had wrote
Telling me to go to hell
I crawled in the window got inside
She kicked me in the balls and then I cried
Called me a name said I lied
Kicked me again I thought I died
Took my clothes set em’ on fire
And hit me with her curling iron
I tried to block it with my watch
And then she kicked me in the crotch again
Yeah today’s the day my wife met my girlfriend
Well I tried to tell her but she didn’t care
Things weren’t what they seemed
She had a pan on the stove full of boiling water
And my nads would soon be steamed
I tried to run scream for help
She hit me in the nerts with a Rhinestone belt
It was like nothing that I ever felt
I thank god I wasn’t wearing a kilt
She grabbed a bat from beneath the bed
She swung it once and she missed my head
She reared back swung it again and
Then she hit me in the twins again
Yeah today’s the day my wife met my girlfriend
Yeah today’s that awful day,
Now my boys won’t be the same
Yeah today’s the day my wife met my girlfriend


I'm sorry, that is some funny shit..
The Sirius station is called "outlaw country," and maybe one in five of the songs played on this station are as funny as that.

Aug 3, 2005

Look into my eyes, you see that they are googly

So apparently, they've got a new playlist over at Coyote Radio, the college station where my brother has a weekly radio show. This new playlist has all sorts of new songs my brother can play - which include songs you'll actually want to listen to (the old playlist was pretty bad.) In the summertime, my brother's is the only live show on Coyote Radio, and the rest of the time it plays automated programming, where it apparently selects songs at random and plays them over the air. I record his shows whenever they are on, and if I'm going to miss the beginning of the show (which is usually the case), I'll go ahead and set it to record before the show starts, which means I record some automated programming as well.

It seems that along with the cool stuff on his new playlist, there is some bizarre stuff as well. Listen to this: The Cookie Monster Song, or, if you can't listen to it, I've found the lyrics:


I came into this world as a Muppet, look into these eyes you see that they are googly
Big bird in his nest and Oscar in his can
Ernie is a guy that lives with another man, hey
Kermit's on the scene,
You know it ain't easy being green but

I did it all for the cookie, mmm, the cookie, mmm, the cookie, mmm
And me can take that cookie and stick it in my yum
Stick in my yum, stick it in my yum

Why did you take so long?
Why did you wait so long?
To gimme cookie, hmmm?
Me got some cookie in my fur it is blue makes me purr
Me so hungry
Does Elmo have me cookie?
Does Grover have me cookie?
Who has got me cookie?
Me just a sucker with chocolate chip in my throat
Made a Mistake, I should give them a break
My heart with ache eat a cookie

I did it all for the cookie, mmm, the cookie, mmm, the cookie, mmm
And me can take that cookie and stick it in my yum
Stick in my yum, stick it in my yum


Yeah.. like I said, Bizarre..
They play this along with CCR, Zeppelin, and Billy Joel.

Aug 1, 2005

Diets suck

We just had some friends over for a BBQ..

Three enourmous juicy rare rib steaks - and four portabello mushrooms for me.
All of those mushrooms added up to the calories in just a fraction of one steak - so it was good - but the fact remains that while my wife and my guests were chowing down on stak, I ate four mushrooms.

not the mushrooms are bad or anything, it's just that they don't compare to steak.

Diets suck.