Dec 23, 2010

Introspection

In January 2009, I completely expected to have lost a tremendous amount of weight in that year. By december 2009, this image really resonated with me,




Anyway, considering the failure, I knew - FOR A FACT - that 2010 would be different. I honestly had the mindset that if I wasn't under 220 lbs by September that it would have been shocking.

Right now, this image is really resonating with me:


Since I'm actually heavier than I was this time last year, I've found myself very introspective in the the last month or two. Many of my habits are downright self-destructive and many of the things I do are not well-received by others. As a result, I'm trying to figure out what goes through my mind when I make bad decisions. The only rational conclusion I've come to is that what goes through my mind is irrational. That's interesting, but not very helpful. I automatically try to willpower myself into "good" or "right" behavior and the results have been disappointing. While a forced rational mindset sometimes overpowers an emotional predisposition to irrationality, such an approach is mentally taxing and difficult to maintain over the long term.

So the real question is this - what are the emotions that cause this and how do I address them? This is a difficult topic for me because I am not prone to consider my own emotion beyond any superficial level, and definitely not prone to discuss it. For this reason I sometimes envy people whose lives are an open book; parts of mine are locked tight. Perhaps, however, that is the root cause of my self-destructive habits: it's a result of internalizing. Or, perhaps it's something else. I don't know.

Obviously, I still have a lot of thinking to do.