Sitting in my Blogger Profile are at least two unfinished blog posts which read as honest yet very negative with hopeless frustration. Part of me wants to go ahead and publish them because they're my honest-to-God thoughts - and at the very least, down the line they'll be a useful account of what I went through during this period of my life. A probably wiser part of me figures that nobody wants to read me complaining and acting like a child. And, as always, there's that Curious Observer hanging out in my brain, who watches with intense interest the soap opera of improvements or vicissitudes of my mental state.
I want to focus in this blog post on that third person, but to satisfy the first person I'm first going to summarize the frustrations, and to satisfy the second person I'm going to keep the summary very brief:
1.) Intense mental pressure due to slower-than expected weight loss and an ambitious race calendar that counts on weight loss.
2.) Demoralizing and endless weight loss plateaus
3.) The irresistible urge to raise my own running ability at least to the standards of my peers (going from the back of the pack to the middle or front.)
4.) Still feeling fat despite concrete results
5.) Jealousy towards people who don't have the weight problems that I do
moving on to the soap opera.. I'm going to try my best to write this as the third person - The Curious Observer.
So I've noticed something about myself that I find very interesting. It's no secret that for me food is a drug that I run to for comfort and satisfaction. And when I deny myself that food, there is nothing there to replace it. Combine that with the theory that caloric deprivation causes moodiness by itself and what you have with me is a pretty crabby guy that my poor wife and kid have to deal with. I'm not proud of that.
I figure that is also the reason why the focus of my attention has been so negative. Analytical and intensely competitive by nature, it has been difficult for me to approach my current weight loss goals with the conservative strategy that I've implemented, especially as the results are coming slower than expected. Past experience has taught me that drastic strategies can have dramatic results, but they have also proven to be unsustainable, probably because of the mental factors I discussed in the previous paragraph.
The thing is, I can't tell whether these negative thoughts are having a beneficial, detrimental, or neutral effect on my results. Conventional wisdom may be that hopeless frustrations lead to comfort in the form of food, making it detrimental. One therefore might not be able to imagine that they can be beneficial, unless what if they inspire me to implement more dramatic (drastic?) strategies or perhaps renew my resolve to be disciplined in the strategy I've chosen? Or, it might be making no difference whatsoever; negative food decisions I'm making are due to other factors and would be occurring regardless of negative thoughts. All seem plausible. And The Curious Observer in me can't decide which one is true. I honestly see evidence that all three are in play, though due to their contradictory nature, that can't be the case.
The Curious Observer, however, is sure of one thing - I will never be satisfied with my results, even if I lose 100 lbs. I am too obsessed with this issue of weight loss and body image to ever be satisfied at a healthy weight. It's downright irrational, but I know it to be a fact. The negative thoughts are thus here to stay. And I ought to learn to live with them. I need to be aware of them, so I can adapt my actions to the reality that the thoughts are not rational.
I hope, like all people do, that one day The Curious Observer will become the dominant character in my personality so that my behavior isn't so intensely influenced by emotional swings.
On a completely different topic, this weekend I will be running in the New Jersey Ultra Festival 50 miler. My current 50-mile PR is 13:16, and unless I have a bad day I'm confident that I can annihilate that. Two weeks after I'm running Umstead, a 100-mile race, so this weekend is going to be a useful "dress rehearsal" for the first half of that race. If I comfortably run 12:30, then I know that's a pace to shoot for at Umstead. Will post about it next week.
Mar 14, 2011
Mar 8, 2011
24 Laps, Lane 2
Accomplished a pretty significant personal milestone today. For the first time, I ran for an hour at a pace faster than ten minutes per mile. Specifically, I ran 6 miles in 58:38. I've done this before on a treadmill, but never outdoors.
Did it tonight after work at the track near my office. Went out at a solid pace, but without my Garmin (left it at home) I had runkeeper running on my phone, which was in my pocket, so I really couldn't monitor the pace. I estimated that I was going at about ten minutes per mile. I focused on consistency and never got tired enough to slow down.
It is true that consistency yields dramatic results. 70 days ago I had to struggle to run a single mile in 11:30. I could probably maintain 6 miles jogging nonstop at 12:30-13:00, and of course I could alternate running and walking all day long, which is how I accomplished 106 miles at ATY. But being able to maintain a hard pace like that for an hour was out of the question. It showed at the Manhattan Half Marathon in mid-January, where I went 11 minutes per mile for 9 miles but then slowed dramatically to finish.
Also the weight loss has undoubtedly made a difference too, however I continue to struggle in that regard. This morning's weigh-in was 292, and I'm only down about 3 lbs in the last two weeks, despite being mostly consistent with what I eat and sticking to the plan. Plateaus are really demoralizing. I'm certainly showing results, it's just that progress is going much slower than I would like.
I feel an intense amount of pressure to show much more dramatic results in the next 21 days. Umstead, after all, doesn't give me the 72-hour time limit that I had at ATY, and it's less than 4 weeks away.
Did it tonight after work at the track near my office. Went out at a solid pace, but without my Garmin (left it at home) I had runkeeper running on my phone, which was in my pocket, so I really couldn't monitor the pace. I estimated that I was going at about ten minutes per mile. I focused on consistency and never got tired enough to slow down.
It is true that consistency yields dramatic results. 70 days ago I had to struggle to run a single mile in 11:30. I could probably maintain 6 miles jogging nonstop at 12:30-13:00, and of course I could alternate running and walking all day long, which is how I accomplished 106 miles at ATY. But being able to maintain a hard pace like that for an hour was out of the question. It showed at the Manhattan Half Marathon in mid-January, where I went 11 minutes per mile for 9 miles but then slowed dramatically to finish.
Also the weight loss has undoubtedly made a difference too, however I continue to struggle in that regard. This morning's weigh-in was 292, and I'm only down about 3 lbs in the last two weeks, despite being mostly consistent with what I eat and sticking to the plan. Plateaus are really demoralizing. I'm certainly showing results, it's just that progress is going much slower than I would like.
I feel an intense amount of pressure to show much more dramatic results in the next 21 days. Umstead, after all, doesn't give me the 72-hour time limit that I had at ATY, and it's less than 4 weeks away.
Mar 7, 2011
FAQ (Updated June 2021)
Questions with stars (*) next to them are questions that I get asked a lot. No star means I don't get that question but do find appropriate. Or funny.
Who are you?
I live and work in northern NJ and I an an ultra-marathon runner - meaning I run in races longer than a standard marathon distance of 26.2 miles. I also happen to be about 50-80 lbs overweight, depending on who you ask. As you can imagine, that makes ultra-running particularly difficult for me, but also particularly rewarding.
Professionally I am a software engineer at Caesars, and I'm supposed to say here that opinions are my own. I love my job, but that's only my opinion.
So what is this blog about?
90% of the posts on this blog are about ultra running. Oddly, 90% of the visitors to this blog go to the 10% that has little or nothing to do with ultra running.
I don't know you. Should I read this blog?
Given the above tidbit about 90%, probably not.
No, really.
Well, if you don't know me, then most of the posts on this blog are about my experiences with running for exercise and fun. Of particular interest is ultra running. And while I have enormous respect for "roadies" out there busting their asses trying to get their best time in the 10K, my preference is to simply try and finish races of distances closer to 100 miles. That may or may not be intriguing to you. The twist for me is that I'm a big guy (read: in the immortal words of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, "disgusting fatbody"), usually hovering around 300lbs (as of this writing, I'm 287, go me!) and regardless, still attempting to complete ultra-distance events. Sometimes I even finish them! If you find that interesting, then by all means read away.
So you're write this to inspire me to run ultra distances even though I'm fat?
I didn't say you were fat. But even if you were, the answer is no, that is not my intention.
Then what is your intention?
Stupid self-indulgence.
No, really.
Seriously, stupid self-indulgence.
* Is that also why you run ultras?
Probably.
* So how far have you gone?
At this time, the longest distance I've ever completed in a single event is 262 miles. The longest distance I've ever completed in a single calendar day is about 100 kilometers, or 62 miles. I have run successfully 100 miles in under 24 hours (including an overnight), at ~280lbs. It's one of my proudest accomplishments.
* 262 miles?? I don't even like to drive that far!
Aren't you clever!
* So what about your knees?
What about them? I had a fitness enthusiast (a crossfitter) once talk to me as though it's a foregone conclusion that all runner's knees go to hell, and mine are on a fast track. I've logged about 20,000 miles of running. That track isn't as fast as he thought, I guess.
* What other types of exercise do you do?
I enjoy running the most, so that's what I do. Sometimes I do other things - biking, swimming, even weights - but I just don't enjoy those as much as I enjoy running. I thus don't run for fitness, but for personal satisfaction and Stupid Self-Indulgence. The fact that it's generally considered a healthy lifestyle is just gravy.
* So in a 100-mile race, you run the whole time? Do you stop?
No and no. Unless you can or you have to. People generally try to do implement some sort of walking strategy, such as running the first 30 miles and then adding in walking breaks. For me personally, I'll have walking breaks from the very beginning in any ultra, which pays dividends later in the race. A few particularly gifted people can run an entire 100 miles if the course is "easy" enough, but they're rare exceptions to the rule. As far as stopping, people usually don't stop for more than five minutes unless they have to. Same is especially true for napping.
* What is your favorite kind of race?
I like smooth (non-technical) singletrack trails and fire roads. I'm quite fond of races held on this kind of terrain, even though they can have a tremendous amount of elevation change. I also enjoy rocky technical trails, but not very long races on these trails. For someone who runs ultras, I used to have an unusual affinity for big city marathons - I've run two (if you count, MCM, Philadelphia and Las Vegas - 5, but IMHO, Chicago and NYC are my "true" big city marathons.) Logistically, they're a royal pain in the ass and stupid-expensive but there's something about them that I used to really enjoy. Not anymore. I think the hassle has worn me down. However, all of my absolute favorite races have been trail ultras.
What else do you do?
I am a card carrying member of the Highpointers Club, which is comprised of people who try to get to the highest points of the 50 states. As of this writing I've been to the highest point of 34. I have a site about it: tursi.com/projects/highpoints
Because of my job, every now and then a post comes through this blog about a software engineering topic.
* What do you think of Dean Karnazes, author of Ultramarathon Man?
All accounts indicate that he's a really nice guy, but there is little similarity between him and myself, nor between him and my ultrarunning friends. There seems to be a public misconception that he represents ultrarunners as a group. I'd disagree with that. He represents himself. As far as criticism towards him about dishonesty or misleading people, I'd have no comment about that. All I know is that he does incredible things both in personal feats of endurance, as well as in public awareness of health & fitness.
* What about Chris McDougall, author of Born to Run?
Can't really compare him to "DK", but he seems like a really interesting fellow. He's an impressive person. The book Born to Run is excellent and I highly recommend it.
* What about David Goggins, that Navy SEAL guy who wrote a bunch of books?
Can't really compare him to "DK" or McDougall, but he seems like a really interesting fellow. He's an impressive person.
Who are you?
I live and work in northern NJ and I an an ultra-marathon runner - meaning I run in races longer than a standard marathon distance of 26.2 miles. I also happen to be about 50-80 lbs overweight, depending on who you ask. As you can imagine, that makes ultra-running particularly difficult for me, but also particularly rewarding.
Professionally I am a software engineer at Caesars, and I'm supposed to say here that opinions are my own. I love my job, but that's only my opinion.
So what is this blog about?
90% of the posts on this blog are about ultra running. Oddly, 90% of the visitors to this blog go to the 10% that has little or nothing to do with ultra running.
I don't know you. Should I read this blog?
Given the above tidbit about 90%, probably not.
No, really.
Well, if you don't know me, then most of the posts on this blog are about my experiences with running for exercise and fun. Of particular interest is ultra running. And while I have enormous respect for "roadies" out there busting their asses trying to get their best time in the 10K, my preference is to simply try and finish races of distances closer to 100 miles. That may or may not be intriguing to you. The twist for me is that I'm a big guy (read: in the immortal words of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, "disgusting fatbody"), usually hovering around 300lbs (as of this writing, I'm 287, go me!) and regardless, still attempting to complete ultra-distance events. Sometimes I even finish them! If you find that interesting, then by all means read away.
So you're write this to inspire me to run ultra distances even though I'm fat?
I didn't say you were fat. But even if you were, the answer is no, that is not my intention.
Then what is your intention?
Stupid self-indulgence.
No, really.
Seriously, stupid self-indulgence.
* Is that also why you run ultras?
Probably.
* So how far have you gone?
At this time, the longest distance I've ever completed in a single event is 262 miles. The longest distance I've ever completed in a single calendar day is about 100 kilometers, or 62 miles. I have run successfully 100 miles in under 24 hours (including an overnight), at ~280lbs. It's one of my proudest accomplishments.
* 262 miles?? I don't even like to drive that far!
Aren't you clever!
* So what about your knees?
What about them? I had a fitness enthusiast (a crossfitter) once talk to me as though it's a foregone conclusion that all runner's knees go to hell, and mine are on a fast track. I've logged about 20,000 miles of running. That track isn't as fast as he thought, I guess.
* What other types of exercise do you do?
I enjoy running the most, so that's what I do. Sometimes I do other things - biking, swimming, even weights - but I just don't enjoy those as much as I enjoy running. I thus don't run for fitness, but for personal satisfaction and Stupid Self-Indulgence. The fact that it's generally considered a healthy lifestyle is just gravy.
* So in a 100-mile race, you run the whole time? Do you stop?
No and no. Unless you can or you have to. People generally try to do implement some sort of walking strategy, such as running the first 30 miles and then adding in walking breaks. For me personally, I'll have walking breaks from the very beginning in any ultra, which pays dividends later in the race. A few particularly gifted people can run an entire 100 miles if the course is "easy" enough, but they're rare exceptions to the rule. As far as stopping, people usually don't stop for more than five minutes unless they have to. Same is especially true for napping.
* What is your favorite kind of race?
I like smooth (non-technical) singletrack trails and fire roads. I'm quite fond of races held on this kind of terrain, even though they can have a tremendous amount of elevation change. I also enjoy rocky technical trails, but not very long races on these trails. For someone who runs ultras, I used to have an unusual affinity for big city marathons - I've run two (if you count, MCM, Philadelphia and Las Vegas - 5, but IMHO, Chicago and NYC are my "true" big city marathons.) Logistically, they're a royal pain in the ass and stupid-expensive but there's something about them that I used to really enjoy. Not anymore. I think the hassle has worn me down. However, all of my absolute favorite races have been trail ultras.
What else do you do?
I am a card carrying member of the Highpointers Club, which is comprised of people who try to get to the highest points of the 50 states. As of this writing I've been to the highest point of 34. I have a site about it: tursi.com/projects/highpoints
Because of my job, every now and then a post comes through this blog about a software engineering topic.
* What do you think of Dean Karnazes, author of Ultramarathon Man?
All accounts indicate that he's a really nice guy, but there is little similarity between him and myself, nor between him and my ultrarunning friends. There seems to be a public misconception that he represents ultrarunners as a group. I'd disagree with that. He represents himself. As far as criticism towards him about dishonesty or misleading people, I'd have no comment about that. All I know is that he does incredible things both in personal feats of endurance, as well as in public awareness of health & fitness.
* What about Chris McDougall, author of Born to Run?
Can't really compare him to "DK", but he seems like a really interesting fellow. He's an impressive person. The book Born to Run is excellent and I highly recommend it.
* What about David Goggins, that Navy SEAL guy who wrote a bunch of books?
Can't really compare him to "DK" or McDougall, but he seems like a really interesting fellow. He's an impressive person.
* What do you think of the barefoot/minimalist thing?
Not my cup of tea, but some people undeniably find it really helpful. McDougall makes a compelling case, but my history of injuries is largely non-existent, which makes me believe I don't have any foot-striking problems that I feel can be corrected with minimalist or barefoot running.
How long have you been writing this blog?
Years. My first post to this blog in its current format was August 2004. I didn't run a marathon until December 2006. I'm currently at about 525 posts. It's interesting for me to read those earlier posts; it is dramatic how much the topics of the blog as changed over the years. It hasn't always been about ultra running.
* What races have you done?
There's a list of races I've done on http://tur.si. As of June 24, 2021, I've completed dozens and dozens of ultras and marathons, and an Ironman.
I would like to read other ultra runners' blogs. Can you recommend some?
Google is your friend on this one. I used to have a list on the right panel of the site but I stopped maintaining it and removed it.
* How do I start running ultras?
Get in touch and go on a run with me and my friends! Or, start here.
Can I read this blog in an RSS reader. such as Newsblur?
Definitely, and I would like to acknowledge you for being smart enough to use an RSS reader. The feed URL is http://stevetursi.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
Are you on twitter?
http://www.twitter.com/stevetursi
I think you're stupid and would like to complain about it.
Post your complaint in the comments. If your complaint is worth responding to I'll be happy to consider it.
I think you're a really cool guy and I'd like to let you know.
Thank you, and please post your thoughts in the comments. I really find those kinds of comments encouraging, and appreciate them tremendously.
I have another question that you didn't answer.
Post it in the comments. If your question is worth responding to I'll be happy to amend this post.
The intent of this post is that it will be a prominently-linked and maintained page.
Not my cup of tea, but some people undeniably find it really helpful. McDougall makes a compelling case, but my history of injuries is largely non-existent, which makes me believe I don't have any foot-striking problems that I feel can be corrected with minimalist or barefoot running.
How long have you been writing this blog?
Years. My first post to this blog in its current format was August 2004. I didn't run a marathon until December 2006. I'm currently at about 525 posts. It's interesting for me to read those earlier posts; it is dramatic how much the topics of the blog as changed over the years. It hasn't always been about ultra running.
* What races have you done?
There's a list of races I've done on http://tur.si. As of June 24, 2021, I've completed dozens and dozens of ultras and marathons, and an Ironman.
I would like to read other ultra runners' blogs. Can you recommend some?
Google is your friend on this one. I used to have a list on the right panel of the site but I stopped maintaining it and removed it.
* How do I start running ultras?
Get in touch and go on a run with me and my friends! Or, start here.
Can I read this blog in an RSS reader. such as Newsblur?
Definitely, and I would like to acknowledge you for being smart enough to use an RSS reader. The feed URL is http://stevetursi.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
Are you on twitter?
http://www.twitter.com/stevetursi
I think you're stupid and would like to complain about it.
Post your complaint in the comments. If your complaint is worth responding to I'll be happy to consider it.
I think you're a really cool guy and I'd like to let you know.
Thank you, and please post your thoughts in the comments. I really find those kinds of comments encouraging, and appreciate them tremendously.
I have another question that you didn't answer.
Post it in the comments. If your question is worth responding to I'll be happy to amend this post.
The intent of this post is that it will be a prominently-linked and maintained page.
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